I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
