You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
