I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
