i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just pee around me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
