my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
