when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
