i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I believe in your delicious
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
