nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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