I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
