She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
