Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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