I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
