So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
