Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
