Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
