Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
