thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
