god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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