How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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