just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
