apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
