two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize