dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
