you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
