So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
