im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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