god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
