never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Farmville is her only friend.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Im part way to drunk.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
