if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
bring money and cleavage
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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