i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
