So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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