We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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