swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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