Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I think I just sharted jello shots
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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