im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize