i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
