we have officially lost it.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
