Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
