Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
