Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
