Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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