nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
