I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
