I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
