census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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