2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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