I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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