I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
