OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
