god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
