New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I understand Curling. That high.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
