I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
