someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I will die if light touches me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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