I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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