I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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