This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
