i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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