so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
