so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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