Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
