Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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