What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
