Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
