I am in a vortex of obligation.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard