Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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